"Blog" is a very generous term for this. I kind of just wanted a place to ramble about stuff. This could be things going on in my life, things that I think are interesting, world events, and so on. I don't think it'll be particularly organized or anything (at least not at this point) and is really just for those who are curious enough to read through it.
Content Warning: Discussions of illness, pus, and other gross things
So remember when I said I was sick? Turns out I was in fact VERY sick. I got Mono somehow and, as a consequence, a 'paritonsilar abcess' which is a fancy way to say I had a pocket of pus near my tonsils. I got lucky and the just absolutly loaded me up with antibiotics and I'm feeling much better now. I started packing my apartment up which has been more exciting than I expected. I'm much more ready to leave than I thought it was. I think I'm more ready to have my own space than anything. I cannot wait to decorate and call the space trully my own.
If for some reason your reading through all of these you may notice that this entry is actually dated! I realized it made literally no sense for there not to be a date. Hopefully I actually remember to include dates in the future too, but we'll see as we go.
Honestly, the sickness is the main thing thats happened to me since last time (considering its only been like a week I think). I want to try to update this more regularly, especially now that i'm feeling better. If you're reading this, I hope your having an amazing day/afternoon/night and I hope that whatever is happening in your life you're able to find joy today :D
Content Warning: Discussions of illness
So I haven't touched this in quite a bit. It's been almost two months, which I guess isn't horribly long, but A LOT of things have happened in the last two months in my life. I signed a lease for a new apartment, I got into a relationship, I have been steadily going on a new job, and I am facing down the barrel of packing the last three years of my life up to move to a technically smaller space.
I'm being dramatic about the moving thing. In reality I'm moving the contents of a bedroom into a bedroom featuring a kitchen. I share an apartment at the moment, and I don't have much in the living room space that belongs to me decoration wise. It is still intimidating, though, to pack it all up. I also have the opportunity to pack things the right way and do it slowly over time. In my past I've had to pack quickly and messily, with basically no control over how it happened. This time around it's fully up to me, and I can (hopefully) do a better job than in the past.
The icing on the cake of all of this is that I am currently sick. I've got some weird cold that mainly effected my tonsils. I'll spare you the details but needless to say its pretty uncomfortable. I get frustrated really easily when I'm sick, and I get annoyed when i'm not better in a day or so. I know this is unreasonable, I am just an impatient creature at heart I think. Tonsils are also the most annoying thing to be inflamed. I've taken every other sore throat ive had for granted- THIS is the most annoying type.
I'm hoping once I'm done with all the major life changes happening for me I'll be more consistent with this website like I wanted to be. I make no promises, though, considering last time I tried to be consistent.
I lost a friend recently. Not in the sense that she died or moved away, but in the sense that our friendship slowly got worse until it was irreparable. I spent a long time hoping that it wouldn’t have to end, or that we could at least end it on a good note.
I’m not writing this to dump or rehash everything I’ve already experienced- I don’t think anybody is particularly interested in reading that. I mostly just wanted to explore the fact that sometimes it’s okay to end things. Spending a long time with someone doesn’t mean they’re permanent, very few things in life are. With this person I realized that there really is no way to know if the memories and friendship we had up until the last few months was as real to her as it was to me, but I’m coming to peace with the fact that it doesn’t have to be.
I was able to love and grow and be myself throughout the entire friendship we had, and I can still take those happy memories with me without being forced to endure hardship. People always talk about what they’ve gotten out of romantic relationships and what parts of them changed after being in those dynamics, but I think the same can be said for friendships, too. There are things I do certain ways because of her, things I discovered I like because of her, songs I listen to that make me think of her, but those are all her in the past tense. It’s like remembering an original version of a show and watching a spin-off on repeat trying to get the same feeling back- it just isn’t the same and often (at least in my experience) is nowhere near as enjoyable.
It was painful to watch a friend who was kind and loving and sympathetic for the last two and a half years become cruel and judgemental and selfish, and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever get to meet that kind version of her again. I have hurt so much because of the same person that used to bring me peace, and that’s okay. It’s okay because she’s proven that she isn’t ready to change this very moment, and I am at a point in my life where I know when things can’t be fixed. It’s okay because, even though it will likely happen without me, I truly believe that she can change for the better.
If your reading this and are staring down the barrel of a difficult conversation, or are being dragged down by a relationship of any kind that makes you feel like an overused rug, just know that it will be okay, and your struggles are valid. It is worth the discomfort and the change, you are worth the difficult conversation.